June 2, 2008

15 Things You Don't Know About Women

1. Women judge a man by the women in his life. Do you only date twenty-two-year-old editorial assistants? Is your mother a cold society matron? Are your only female friends ex-girlfriends? This aspect of us is not mere female cattiness but a deeply meaningful examination of your ethical place in the world.

2. We will never believe you if you say you don't have a type -- we'll just assume you do and it's not us. The last thing a girl wants to hear is that while, yes, you can't deny that in the past you've been strongly attracted to large-breasted dark women, we're just so wonderful that you find yourself falling for our fair, small-breasted physique. Even if you truly believe you don't have one type, make it easy for us and yourself: Tell us you do, always have, and you're looking right at it -- and hide all the pictures of your brunette ex-girlfriends.

3. Never underestimate the effect the shape of your ass in your Levi's might have on a woman.

4. Women eventually outgrow their attraction to assholes. It's important for a woman to date an asshole in her twenties as she fills out her relationship résumé, reads Goethe and Harold Brodkey, and builds sufficient character and experience to participate in the intense female-bonding ritual of heartbreak consolation. But as we get older, all those underwhelming but trustworthy guys we hadn't been giving any play have learned how to dress, lost their baby fat, and are hot as hell.

5. We get over you sooner than you think. Officially, that is. (You really don't want to know how quickly we're recycling your favorite songs into a mix tape for our back-on-the-market party.)

6. Women lust after younger men the same way men lust after younger women. But we don't marry them and let them take all our money.

7. Not all women love to shop. Regardless, we all hate "Shop-a-holic" novelty gifts -- T-shirts, memo pads, refrigerator magnets -- depicting a crazy-eyed woman engulfed in shopping bags and holding a smoking credit card. (We do, however, get a kick out of refrigerator magnets that say things like HEY, FAT ASS, THE LOVE YOU CRAVE AIN'T IN HERE!)

8. The "psycho ex-girlfriends" from generations past are today referred to as "Mom."

9. Pro-choice women feel a tiny bit bad that you have no voice in the fate of your unborn child. The same way you feel a tiny bit bad that we make only seventy cents for every dollar you earn. Yeah, we plan to do nothing about it, either.

10. Women have only one Halloween costume. It is a slut. You may be thinking, Wait, I've seen women dressed as sexy witches, sexy cats, sexy hoboes. ... But I assure you they were all dressed as sluts dressed as witches, cats, and hoboes. For us, Halloween is solely an opportunity to wear the whorish clothes we chastise true-blue sluts for wearing year-round.

11. Women produce half the world's food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we're fine with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even.

12. Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn.

13. Women remember everything. Don't believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won't tell you it was at a party. She'll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy's pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Jack and Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the "what's up" nod. This still infuriates her. ("How could you give me the nod?")

14. We think it's weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.

15. Women hear better than men. That's before you even factor in listening skills and attention spans. Come to think of it, I should have listed this one first because I'm sure I've lost you by now.